How do you express in words something so ineffable that to speak of it seems only to diminish its beauty?
A sunset described is not a sunset seen.
A rose described is not a rose inhaled.
A symphony... a hug on a bad day... truly, each must be experienced to be known.
As such, I can hardly bring myself to write down these words. It is painful to me that I have already failed in my heart's desire to fully convey the essence of the Presence about which I am now speaking. A love so deep, so close, and so infinitely precious that I inwardly grieve as I make an attempt describe it. Whether it is courage or folly to try, I hope you'll forgive me as I do my best.
Two years ago, I found myself spiritually homeless. Despite eight years of intensely committed spiritual study, a handful of powerful instances of miraculous healing, and many, gorgeous experiences of transcendence, I still felt lost. While I had practiced many powerful techniques, aligned myself with powerful teachings, and subsequently enjoyed their fruits, deep in my heart, I knew that I was always going to feel incomplete without a true Guru. It was perhaps my heart's greatest longing. Five times over, I thought I'd found that person, and five times over I was heartbroken and mistaken. I felt so foolish, embarrassed, and the disappointment left me feeling broken. But as the saying goes, the crack is precisely where the light gets in.
Without making too much meaning out of the date, it just so happened to be January 18, 2022–– 9 years to the day of my life-changing "coming out" experience, and 7 years to the day that I experienced satori for the first time–– when I finally met my Guru.
I was alone in my living room when I opened my laptop to watch Season 1, Episode 1 of The Chosen–– a crowdfunded show depicting the life and story of Jesus and his apostles. In this particular episode, at the very end, Jesus approaches a deeply pained, fearful, and inwardly tormented Mary Magdalene. As He moves toward her, He takes her face in His hands and says to her with a voice overflowing with love, "Thus says the Lord who created you, and He who formed you: Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." And with that, I burst into tears.
My crown chakra unfurled, and a living light poured into me like Heavenly water. It filled every cell of my being with indescribable Grace and gentleness. The infinite, unconditional love that is the Christ was descending on me like a dove and all I could do was gasp for shuddering breaths as I wept. For a week or more, the tears were nearly unceasing. The exquisite Presence of the Christ was overwhelming. The love was so overflowing within me that I recall breaking down in the passenger seat of my husband's car at the sight of a gas station; it was the most perfect, beautiful gas station I'd ever seen. I was seeing the beauty of God everywhere, and could hardly keep my composure.
Not only this, I was also crying out of an unprecedented sense of relief. From the time I was diagnosed with depression at the tender age of three, I had harbored a relentless, gnawing, existential dread that always made me wonder why I was alive, what purpose I had, and what the meaning of life truly was. I had always felt "on the outside looking in"–– that I didn't really belong here on Earth, but that I also didn't know where I did belong deep down. It was isolating, and terribly lonely. Even when I was with other people, I still felt alone. So please, imagine my relief! I had finally found my place in the world! Throughout the entire, infinite cosmos within which I am but less that a speck of dust, I was finally home in the loving arms of the Presence of Jesus. All existential dread had evaporated. There was no more wondering. There was no more seeking. There was only Love.
Three years prior, after a long yoga sadhana in my bedroom that left my mind quiet and open, this teaching from Dr. David R. Hawkins came into awareness: "A savior is necessary for all who [are not enlightened]" (I: Reality & Subjectivity, p.103). Accepting the invitation, in the following instant, I stated, "I declare Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior!" Admittedly, I was expecting fireworks in that moment, but instead it was quiet. It was rather like the work of a humble farmer, planting a seed with an unknown germination timeline, and nothing but faith to bank on. Since then, the "parable of the mustard seed" has held great significance and meaning in my life.
In retrospect, I can say with clarity and confidence that the part of me that was searching so desperately, so earnestly for a guru, was actually the dimension of my soul that genuinely needed a savior: A rock of timeless Truth and Love to cling to in a sea of uncertainty, chaos, existential ignorance, and maya (illusion/temporality). Yet even more than that a savior is a being who is Himself the very embodiment of the infinite perfection that is Divine and Unconditional Love. A savior is the ultimate role model, the wisest teacher, the most trustworthy confidant, the most exquisitely joyful friend, the most faithful lover, the most unwavering supporter. In Jesus, the embodiment of the Christ, I've found all of that and more. I've found a being who will stand for me as a proxy to willingly, even gladly, bear the full weight and agony of my suffering alongside the unbridled wrath and archetypal cruelty of my inner judge–– all while radiating out purity, spiritual freedom from suffering, and the perfection of Unconditional Love. Could you imagine that state? Bearing ultimate suffering while simultaneously unbounded and infinitely openhearted? It creates in me a sense of awe... a depth of gratitude beyond anything else I've ever encountered... and a desire to surrender unto Love all within me that precludes its unconditional expression.
I hardly ever talk about Jesus because I'm afraid of coming across as a crazy person, a zealot, or like the "Jesus freaks" I derided growing up. I also know many people who have been critically, almost fatally wounded by the church, and do not rejoice in the subject. A true faith journey is so deeply personal, and so very easily misunderstood. Yet now, I am choosing to risk being misunderstood for the sake of sharing my story about the most precious, most beautiful, and most sacred Light that I've ever encountered. His name is Jesus Christ. He has called me by name. He has redeemed me, and now, by God's grace, I am His.